Timing Is Everything

One of the major struggles for almost every military family is keeping our service member connected to our everyday lives when they can't be with us.  This issue has been front and center in our family for the past 18 months.  With Chris' deployment and current TDY (this stands for "temporary duty" for all you not fluent in military acronyms) trip for Officer Candidate School (OCS) we have only had him home with us for three months since the summer of 2009. 

Life goes on while Chris is away; the kids continue on with school, friendships, growth, and general shenanigans.  Inevitably, I take on the roll of primary caregiver and am responsible for making those everyday decisions regarding parenting, finances, household maintenance, etc.  So how do you keep your service member connected and involved in these everyday happenings?  I'll be the first to admit that during Chris' first couple of family separations I was not very good at doing so.  Decisions were made without eliciting his input when possible, and I simply informed him after the fact about what I had done.  He returned home to a different household than he left, and justly felt very disconnected.  While change is unavoidable during a family separation, there are steps that can be taken to keep our soldiers integrated in our daily goings-on as much as possible. 

Communication is essential, in whatever form it is available.  One of the most precious lessons Chris and I have learned over the past ten years is how to foster our relationship over long distances.  I still have a box full of letters we wrote each other while he was away at Basic Training.  Now, I wish I had saved all the receipts for calling cards I bought while he was stationed in Korea during my pregnancy with Connor.  Every phone conversation is an opportunity to affirm each other and acknowledge how much the sacrifices the other is making are appreciated.   It is without question that it is only by the grace of God that our marriage has continued to grow and strengthen throughout the years we've spent apart (we are currently working on the fourth year of family separation of Chris' career).

As our kids are getting older, the new struggle is to keep Chris involved in their lives and established as a parent and authority figure while he is gone.  The task of parenting alone can be beyond overwhelming.  Of course, I am able to consult with Chris about major issues through our phone conversations and Skype sessions, but those everyday, consistent decisions and corrections that have to be made in the moment can drive a mother to tears.  The old adage, "You just wait until your father gets home!" isn't very effective when he won't be coming home for several months.  As much as possible we try to allow Chris to speak with the kids concerning behavior issues and allow him to set guidelines so that the kids are accustomed to him doing those things when he comes home.  Doing so helps to make his "reintegration" faster and easier.  "Reintegration" is one of those buzzwords the Army uses to define the period of time after a soldier returns home when he "reintegrates" into the family and domestic life. 

This past weekend I had to draw a hard line with Connor regarding a particular issue we'd been wrestling with for the past several days.  Chris happened to call home for the first time in a nearly a week in the midst of Connor's ensuing meltdown and Allie's sympathy meltdown.  My first reaction "Oh great.  I haven't talked to my husband in almost a week, and he calls home to find both children sobbing and screaming, and his wife barely holding on to her sanity. Fantastic! He is going to think we are falling to pieces."  Being the problem solver that he is, Chris gathered the necessary facts, and was able to get on the phone with Connor and talk him down from the hysterical mountain he'd climbed.  He supported the decision I had made, and affirmed with Connor that even though he was absent, he was still available and plugged in.  He offered me words of encouragement and comforted Allie while I wrapped up with Connor.  While I had initially considered his call home badly timed, I realized that it was perfectly timed to provide a window of communication and connection.  God's grace is infinite and all-encompassing, and is sometimes most evident in the smallest things, like an ill-timed phone call.

Documenting this journey

It's a roller coaster ride, this life we live.  The ups and downs are unpredictable, but one thing is certain.  We have a Lord and Savior that carries us each step of the way.  I've been inspired by a couple of women to document the joys and the sorrows of this life, to preserve the moments and share our triumphs.  So come on this journey with me as I discover what the Lord has in store for me.